Episode 22: Survivor Story: How to Love a Battered Woman with Nia Renee
Domestic abuse and brain injury. Don’t let this scare you off. It is a conversation we all need to take part in. 75% of domestic abuse survivors suffer TBI as a result and you know we can’t leave friends in the community hanging! Today we join How to Love a Battered Woman’s Nia Renee to discuss domestic abuse and brain injury. Strikingly, overcoming both require similar skills of resilience, perseverance, strength, and o-so-much inner work. You won’t want to miss out on this insightful conversation. There’s a tremendous amount of wisdom shared for all those going through either or both experiences. And if you aren’t in either situation, it is still a crucial listen to gain understanding and insight. You never know when you might need to be an ally!
Covered in this episode:
CTE is a result of repetitive brain trauma commonly recognized as a disease affecting professional football players. Victims of domestic abuse are probably even more affected due to repeated knocks on the head at home but it is not publicized like it is for professional athletes
Women are more susceptible to TBI due to the structure of our necks
75% of domestic abuse survivors have a TBI
Nia is a survivor of 20+ years of domestic abuse
She has a brain condition called Chiari Malformation that was sped up due to the abuse
Therapy is an ongoing process throughout the rest of your life (5:45). It’s not a one and done fix
Chiari Malformation
Happens when the brain is herniating into the spinal canal because the brain is too big for the skull
185 (ish) symptoms associated with this disease
Nia started experiencing symptoms her sophomore year of college
While experiencing symptoms of the brain injury she was also being hit in the head which likely exacerbated her condition
There is a lot of stigma around this disease in the neurologic world. Some neurologists believe that Chiari is an incidental finding that doesn’t cause symptoms
It took Nia advocating for herself and finding the right fit with a neurosurgeon to get treatment and surgery. Shout out to Dr. Holly Gilmer, M.D.!
Nia talks about recovery from surgery and trying to get to know her chronic illness self
A metaphor for living with chronic illness: A handful of spoons: every activity in your day requires you to give away a spoon. Eventually you have no spoons left to give away. This represents the energy each activity in life takes when you have a chronic illness and brain injury. You have to be deliberate on what you give your spoons to
Surgery is not a cure; it just gives you a more livable life
The surgery can make some people worse. The experience and decision to have surgery is highly individualized
Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS): a connective tissue disorder that is commonly associated with Chiari.
Allow yourself to evolve and let go of the preinjury self. You are who you are now.
Brain injury can cause an identity crisis
Life lessons from surviving domestic abuse and living with a chronic brain condition
Nia’s only 27! She has wisdom beyond her years.
Remaining resilient
Resiliency as a child consisted of doing something creative to express herself and help her bounce back, especially writing. It was later on that she realized she doesn’t need to be quiet about what was happening to her.
Speak out! “I got to a point where I realized I don’t have to be quiet about any of these things. Why do I have to? If it makes you uncomfortable that is not my concern, business or problem” (19:30)
“If hearing about domestic violence experiences makes you uncomfortable, question why, look inside yourself. Does it make you uncomfortable because you are a part of the problem? Is it because it touches on something that you haven’t had a chance to work on yet? Are you realizing that you are not alone?”
Being vocal and talking about it has been her number one strategy to get through all her struggles
Dealing with talking about uncomfortable topics has to be addressed to progress
Why aren’t we talking about domestic violence and abuse more?
The world isn’t ready for the fallout of high profile abusers
Victim shaming--victims are scared because they hear “why didn’t you leave,” why did you stay,” “why did you let someone do that to you.” There’s a lack of understanding and so much stigma. We have to talk about it to know what to do when confronted with abuse
It makes people uncomfortable to hear hard things but we have to do it!
Speaking out takes you out of the dark and connects you with others
HowToLoveABatteredWoman on Instagram
You hear what you want to hear and cancel out what you don’t. In our internet world, you opt in to what you want to hear and block what you don’t
There’s a difference between cancelling someone and holding someone accountable.
Cancelling is called for in people who have been given the opportunity to change after being called out on bad behavior but choose not to change.
“If the behavioral patterns are the same and you continue to do the same things then, yes you deserve to be cancelled...You can only give a certain amount of chances to somebody because eventually it is just who they are.” (26:40)
You can’t change someone else
I'm in therapy because you chose not to
We can only control ourselves
Not talking about abuses and issues in life applies to national conversations all the way down to the personal level. The less you talk about things the more chronic an issue it becomes. “If you keep sweeping stuff under the rug iIt piles up and builds under the surface until one day when it all comes out” (30:45)
Grappling with abuse and advice to those who are dealing with it
You are not making it up. Narcissists are master manipulators and will make you think that it is your fault, not really happening, and not really abuse.
You are not weak minded. You are stuck in a situation because it may be what you are used to, many grow up in it and see abusive behaviors as the norm.
One day you realize it is not normal
It’s not your fault
You’ll feel lonely and stuck and like you don’t have anyone or that anyone will believe you. You feel stuck--but you don’t have to be.
It is tough to get out. The abuser will have many behaviors that pull you back--they stalk, threaten to kill you and your family. You end up having to create a whole new identity to be able to get away. It is hard and takes a really long time!
The narcissists make abuse feel like the safety zone because they try to make leaving harder than staying.
You can only get out when you are ready. It takes a long time to get out!
You are not crazy! You are stronger than you think you are, you are not weak minded. It takes a lot of strength to get out!
There can be a beautiful life after abuse; if you are willing to do the inner work to figure out why you keep attracting abusive men and women.
Therapy is Nia’s life saving space. She had to get to the root of why these people keep finding her and why she was attracted to them.
The work is not easy and can make you question yourself and why you are doing it. It is painful, hard, isolating, and lonely.
“If you are willing to do the work…(and the work is not easy it is hard and isolating. You question yourself as to why you are doing it.) Once you get through it and realize that you can set boundaries and that you can pick and choose what is in your life whether they are family or not and that you can choose what you have around you [it’s all worth it]” (35:34)
Mental health journey through brain injury and abuse
Requires self advocacy
It’s not in your head
You have to know yourself and what is not ok
So many people want to be heard but are fearful of what others might think. It takes time to be brave and speak out.
Negative comments to what you are saying is not a reflection of you--it's them!
Their negative comment is their opinion
If you lose family or friends after speaking out it hurts, but it is you taking the power back. You get to steer your life again. You are in control. You don’t have to depend on anyone.
Family is important but not worth it if they destroy you.
It’s ok to not be ok. It's ok to say that and be honest with how you are doing.
Be real
You have the choice for how you want to rebuild your brain and life. But it is HARD! You may have the view of the happy ending you want but it is a hard and painful road to get there. Anything that is worth getting to is bumpy and challenging. It’s not fun work but it is worth it.
The destination is the journey. There is no ending point at which all is ok forever and always. It will always take work.
How to Love a Battered Woman (website; blogs)
A place to let others know they are not alone
A community for those with invisible illnesses and suffering chronic illness
A community for those suffering abuse
Gives a voice to those going through abuse--it's what she would have wanted to hear as a child going through abuse
When you are ready you can do it. You can get out when you are ready!
“It's a process. To everyone dealing with this and feeling like they are not doing enough, or feel like they aren’t being heard enough, or that they are scared; it's ok to feel what you feel. As long as at some point you have a plan to work on it and to get through it.”
The reality is nobody heals from trauma without feelings.
To connect with Nia:
Instagram: HowToLoveABatteredWoman
Website: How to Love a Battered Woman
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
HELP US SPREAD THE WORD!
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